Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days: mowing my lawn.
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
At the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
Stop ****ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And
by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you
walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet" you're a huge *******.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't
good enough to be a
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I
don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
Months" "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
care in the first place
Carpenter by day Computer Science Major by Night