McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

*******************************************************

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They first saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

They saw another minister enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Protestamts are fallin' victim to temptation.

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

*************************************

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin."

"Of course."

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go
to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are
drunk again!"

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////////////////////

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided
to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the
Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St.
Patrick was a girly-man."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ... watch and
learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a
transvestite!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ...
just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman,
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"